Three amazons of my life ..

My life, I suppose, has been influenced more by the female divinity and strength than male's.
Be it my mom, sis, grandmoms, aunties, frens, teachers, mentors, colleagues, I really feel cherubic impact of theirs on my life.
And there are these 3 significant females in my life who have substantiated their influence by my existence of one heroic nature.
I would owe not just a part but almost all of me to them.
They are in me ,spiritually, just as the other 5 physical ingredients of life.
I know who of these ladies do I actually resemble the most and the least also.
The oldest of these is my grandmom.My dad's mother.
A lady with invincible power, a heart filled with love, a fighter, a dreamer, a lady of extreme emotions.
I dont know how much I miss her. Heaven is her abode now. I would see her in my dreams at night. and just wish I could meet her once and could kiss her soft cheeks.
And always wish that if God could have a plan like meeting the people He has of us a specific day in year, once at least.
It has been almost two years she left this world, she nevertheless is felt more than she is remembered.

Following her is my own mother.
Her placidity,serenity, divinity always makes me feel conquered and defeated and at my own will.
I yield to her forbearance and piousness at the same moment I am fighting to win over the situation or discussion.
There is nobody who knows my life as deeply as she does.Just nobody and there cannot be one.
I know it holds true for everyone on this earth.
I just wonder and wonder at her feelings, her calm disposition.
She would do more than I need.
She would care more than I can reciprocate.
And I find it as magical, like a river flowing not knowing where it will end but it flows.
　
And she is the third one whom I love the most and have half-lost a companion, a friend, a confidant since the time she has been taken away by love of her life.
My sister is the most amazing and vivacious part of me and my life.
She would know the best philosopies of life to play her role as daughter, a daughter-in-law, a wife , sister .She is just perfect to play any role in life.And she has outdone anybody in holding herself up during moments of torment.
She has been my aegis, she has been like a tree shade in scorching heat, she has been like a balmy breeze through my moment of distress and suffering.
I feel wonderful to have my life painted in colors of richness and exuberance by 3 generations of life.
I feel that power in me.
I see that beauty in me.
And as I said that I know whom I resemble the most of these 3 generations , I know it is true when I say the answer is my grandmother :)

All day long, deep in my heart, I yearn, I dream

I was a kid when I used to feel after waking up from sleep that moments before,I was running around bushes and waterfalls with mowgli, where has all that gone?.
Was not even sure of if there was something like that or not.
Didn't even know the word 'Dream'.
I dont know at which age of mine, I got to know this word and understood what dreaming means.
My fascinations, my desires, my fears, my interests have all been into my dreams at nights.
My dreams have trepidated me at times after watching some horror movie with horrifying creatures reappearing around me,and at times have heavenly pleased, have shown me gods and angels and fairies. .
I would have reached exams after they were over, would have forgotten admit cards at home.
I would have been on date with guys I had crush on.
I would have done never-done and never-would-be-done kind things in dreams, racing a scooter, running wearing pencil heels on marble floor with dogs chasing and falling every now and then to find an escape.
These dreams have kept me so much occupied during nights.
But mooning in day has been my steady soulful accomplishments.
As I grew in age and more desires for myself gestated in me, new dreams rooted up.
And the notion of a dream changed.
From night to day,
From fantasies to desires,
From subconsciousness to consciousness.
And the meaning as well ..
my dreams are my desires long awaited and would be longed for till realised ,
yearning for them in me is stronger than my habits.
Something I have lived in my mind whimsically,
have enacted my part of role into them or probably of others as well involved,
have practiced my lines of dialogues,
have walked my postures and moves and gestures,
have designed my attires and footwears and glass frames,
have lived the emotions of heart,
but only to a partial extent.
Something that I have wished for all truly in my heart, something that has no escape from my life till they get realised or till my last moment arrives, whichever comes earlier.
Something that has my soul into to nourish with all the resources that can bring my dreams in my front, live and tangible.

I dream to be
.... ... ... ...
I dream to do
... ... ... ...
I dream to find
... ... ... ...
I dream to have
... .... ... ...
I dream ...
I dream ...

An awful variant ..

I reached home in the evening from office enwrapped with tiredness of 2 days' hither and thither rush.
Had no keys to home.
Was not in good mood either.
Thought of walking around for a while till somebody comes and unlocks.
Already had had in mind to buy a body lotion and a deodorant.
So started walking to the nearby market where shops selling general goods are in plenty.
As I was on the way to them, a bike with two guys riding on it came in speed from the back.
Stopped jerkingly a few feet ahead of me.
I didn't feel a nerve even with that speed or sudden brakes.
I actually haven't felt such while roaming nearby my place.
Firstly there hasn't been any unpleasant incidence before.
Secondly because such thing is common when its about bikes and guys together.
But this time things marked an underline below the points of caution.
These guys turned around their heads sitting on bikes to utter out some hello hi greeting words, passed a nasty stinging smile .
Ignorance is one word policy for me.
I moved ignoring all that.
But when found 'ignorance' was not being good enough, I stopped. And to relief, those teasers drove away a distance jerkingly. So I moved. But then they stopped. So did I. Now they moved a real distance away. And I went and stood with a gang of kids and their parents pretending to be a part if I was still being watched.
Fearing less fear, I walked upto one shop to get my products, when this bike came again honking, those guys building some horribly irritating noises.
And I almost shouted 'What a bad world!'.Those guys drove to and fro on the market street.I finished up paying up at that shop and those jerks were not seen around, so hoping not to see those creatures again, I moved from that shop. And it emerged out again. And I switched to another shop, stood there asking for things from the shopkeeper I knew he didn't have.
After a while,realising some freedom, I almost flew the coop.
On the main road now.
Started walking to the place where my brother was , to collect the keys, not trying any more waiting.

Tired, frustrated, irritated, agitated was my state of mind.
Felt like a live corpse. I walked and walked, nothing I wanted to speak, nothing I wanted to hear.
A working gal, kms away is her office, comes back in evening completely exhausted and faces such harsh slam by some blunders of life originating and sustaining superpower at such messy hour of the day.
Heights of nuisance!!

And as I walked, I repeatedly turned around to check.
As any honking got into my ears, I turned around with fear.
The way seemed torturingly stinking of the fear.
I reached to collect the keys.
I got my keys.
Headed way back home.
Was around my gate.
A bike sounded like coming from back.
Pulsed up.
I turned around.Somewhat terrified again.
...................
I smiled as I unlocked and got into my abode.

Hitherto ...

As her cell rang one evening, she had a goosebump to see his name on her mobile's screen.She felt a butterfly whirling and swirling ,some centripetal and centrifugal forces inside.she had left the expectations to listen to his voice ever again in her life.As she accepted the call and said Hi, she really could not know if the other end's heart was also thumping so same.

While a thought bemused her always "Will he be remembering me the same way,everyday,as I do ?", she didn't expect a better answer to it than the one she got.

He had told her once "To me, you mean love".And she slumped that day with the gravity of his statement and had extracted the truth of being his only love as one unambiguous meaning from those words, which she believed in, firmly, through the times of her longing for him.

She missed him for some heavenly moments spent together and wondered if he too remembers her from the same moments or has another lot of memories sprung up from other heavenly moments. This thought confused her that if he remembers her from moments different from hers, why does then she miss on them . And if he remembers her for the same moments what is that so peculiar about those which made them memorable for both. She then used to get into real dissection of old moments, balancing out her share of memory against his, eventually falling with him, together, into a sea of them.

His memories kept her occupied.And this call was shaking that pile of memories, which on their way of recalling, stumbled over each other, lied silent through the echoes of their breaths,moistening their eyes with love of their hearts.He avoided telephoning the girl for he knew he will be holding himself with his unrecognised strength to put it down.

As they tried calling each other's names, with rattling pulses, hesitatingly,in some faltering words, her phone rang up to the tone of Summer of 69'. She rubbed her eyes with his name wavering on her lips , picked it up, pressed a key to snooze her evening nap's alarm for a while, not realising that the question still remained.

Unisex - a word mistaken

A sight of a hanging board displaying 'Unisex Salon' confused me literally when I saw it the first time years back , for when word 'Uni' means one or single, I wondered why the owner of the board and its corresponding store has not mentioned the gender they would be serving so that I could know and everybody else too ,if me and they are suitable to get in or not.

While actually, the word connotes a meaning different from my first impression of it and opposite to what it sensed like to me.
And the real meaning covers both sex under it, serves either of them, not differentiating on the basis of gender.
So I just thought that its not just salons which must hold on to use this word unisex as one prefix , schools also can do that and so can do some public toilets.
There are then some unisex names as well. Sidney sheldon, Ayn Rand , the first time I heard about these people I googled out to see their sexuality. Then names like Harpreet, Gurpreet, Chandra are also some.

So the word 'unisex' exclaims a complete uniformity among the two sexes and abstracts their sexuality in catering the offered services.
Aint I kidding much today ?
Actually yes ... actually not ...Because to me , it gave me a deeper insight into the concept. I thought of holding this thought in me for a while and understand if it could be implied to the perception in reality which our society hold for two genders.

Contesting elections is biased.
Reservation is being asked in Parliament for women.The need arose for such actually and there are some plain reasons to it.

A right to live is biased.
Female infanticide has swept off girls turbulently.

Holding dignity and freedom is biased.
Molestation and rapes and eve-teasing.

A separation clearly stands between, obviously in knowledge of everybody, which really has made things to stink and stopped growth upwards.
Unfortunately our society is not a unisex society and the word holds its literal meaning for this society more than its abstract one.

Theory of evolution

Life has evolved over millions of years, and it keeps doing so , and will continue for it is in the nature of nature and its species and communities to evolve .

Evolution would mean retention of primarily existing traits and attributes , imbibing new ones owing to changes around, their intermingling, thus rendering a support to bring a new meaning to the existence.

And the hypothesis has occupied me at times that how clearly things change to adapt themselves almost to the fittest for the necessity of survival, and sometimes for its luxury too.

And if I think of evolution personally, I too have follwed the process or it took me in its loop, have evolved in terms of my emotions, my vision ,my hormones, my perception towards life,world,family,relations,almost everything.

Am I supposed to call it as a process of becoming into one matured being which happens to happen with nearly everyone?

But I dont think I have matured, if maturity has to be one intermediate result of such a process. I would rather say that I have only evolved, evolved not to be one disciplinary, distinguished species , but to become a creature of mixed emotions at every moment.I have evolved to know myself better, loving things that I didn't love yesterday, not loving those i loved, understanding which I ignored, but still ignoring which I can't understand .The moments of irritation come easier and so does the next moment of politeness and another next of another randomness.I am not confused. I almost fairly understand things, I just feel disbalanced .It seems more meaningful to know and understand , and instantly equally meaningless.

I don't know why such an evolution in me, infact why any kind of it, as a necessity of adaptation to changes or one nature bound strict phenomenon, or just a random one.
But it just leaves me surprised at times to depict out differences in myself only in comparison to yesterday.
I really have evolved.
And its equally enthralling to realise that there is more of it to come for my rest span of life.

Today .. Holiday .. Holi-day !!

I don't know how would the words that would follow appeal to you, I mean i might sound like a dissociative, anti , irksome character who finds interest in doing nothing at times, and actually I am at times one such being.
As for one good sake if I talk about today, the Holi day, I really dont find interest in celebrating it and I really dont remember any huge celebrations in past as well. There has not been a very particular idea about being so, other than that such artificial colors really cause itching which is quite obvious to happen when the colors for celebration do contain , not just some, rather many toxicants, lead based substances that might cause asthma, dermatitis ,temporary blindness ..
I am not an antagonist to celebrations. I really believe in celebrating life and I am actually not this boring everytime.
But I dont know if I have gone aware of all this with age only or before age. I dont know. I just know some facts which I want to believe in that colors used in Holi these days are toxic, amount of water consumed on Holi can serve up many more sad days of the nation, wood used for Holika dahan amounts to huge deforestation in the country.
People from very old days used Tesu flowers for celebrations, there were large forested lands, some real fresh springs around, they were actually far from time of destruction and we are arriving closer to it.
My idea of saying all this is not to do any act of enforcement.I want to conserve nature and I really believe that one has to contribute his part. or I probably just love to be this boring ..